Friday, November 17, 2017

Love Our Lurkers Day(s)

Hello all.  Let's bring this week to a close, with another edition of Love Our Lurkers, organized as always by Hermione over at  Two days of inviting our Lurkers, i.e. those who visit but never talk, to step up to the virtual microphone.  You can post anonymously, so no need to be shy.  It doesn't need to be anything profounder or on point, because this week there is no point!  If you care to, tell us a little about yourself and what brought you to check out this and other blogs devoted to Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships. 

For all the regulars, have a great week.

Saturday, November 11, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 229 - Real Authority

It is so hard to believe because it is so hard to obey. -- Soren Kierkegarrd

Hello all.  I hope you had a great week.  Last week, I warned that I might not have much time to post over the coming weeks.  Then, suddenly, the frantic pace just stopped, very unexpectedly.  Which is always a little disconcerting. It's like my body came to a sudden stop, while my mind continues racing head.  But, it's all good.  Or it will be.  I really was on the edge of burnout, and now I have a chance to take a breath.  
It's also yet another chance to get "back on track."  It's funny how thoroughly "real life" can intrude on our best laid plans.  It was only a few weeks ago that we  entered into a "contract" that required us both to step up our DD commitment.  Then, work commitments and travel kicked in with a vengeance and it all just fizzled.  But, now we have a chance to restart that, realistically, was not going to happen again for another two or three monts.

Unfortunately, while I do now have the time to post, the slowdown happened so unexpectedly that I didn't have much time to think of a topic, so I'm kind of winging this one and will keep it short.  

We've had a few topics recently on rules and expectations.  One we didn't talk about is, are there any rules that are imposed on you that you really don't agree with?  Do you get spanked for anything that you think should not be spankable?  While we talk about putting our wives in charge of disciplining us when we break the rules, doesn't real authority lie not in being the person who enforces the rules but in being the person who makes them?  

In my own relationship, I can't say there are many ongoing rules she has imposed that I don't agree with.  The closest we've come is probably around orgasm denial.  She very recently announced that there are to be no orgasms that she is not a part of.  I know some men in these relationships are into orgasm denial or control.  I've never been one of them.  But, I can't tell her that I want her to make rules and boundaries, and then undermine her when she steps up and makes one of her own.  One other example is really more a matter of degree.  We both know that I have a tendency to over-indulge in alcohol as a function of work.  Sometimes its developing business.  Sometimes its team building.  I often find that a real conversation and real relationship building takes about three beers.  She prefers to set the limit at one or two.  So, it's so much that we disagree on the rule itself but, rather, the threshold at which it should be applied.

What about you?  Are there rules she imposes that you would prefer did not exist? Do you ever get spanked for things you think should not be punishable?

I hope you have a great week.

Saturday, November 4, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 228 - If They Only Knew . . .

Nail up some indecency in plain sight over your door; from that time forward you will be rid of all respectable people, the most insupportable folk God has created. -- Paul Guaguin 

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a good week.  I'm in the midst of an ongoing work nightmare so, unfortunately, I am going to have to keep this post pretty short.  Also, just a heads-up, the work project I am on may require me to take a break from the blog for three or four weeks, so don't be surprised if I post a notice saying it is going on hiatus for a short time.  But, I do have time today for a short one. 

A couple of weeks ago, when we were talking about expectation setting and rules, Glenmore commented that he and his wife keep a list of rules posted in their closet:

1. My Wife is always right
2. I will not criticize or put down my wife's opinions
3. I will not place blame on others - especially my wife
4. I will not interrupt my wife when she is speaking
5. When in doubt refer to rule # 1.

Elegant and to the point.  For purposes of the current discussion, however, I'm more interested in the fact the rules are posted than in their content.  There are lots of degrees to which people in these relationships have "outed" themselves.   Some not at all.  Some fully open and out there.  For those who are not fully out,  are there some things that are out and open, or have been left so purposefully or on accident, that at least hint at the DD or FLR side or your relationship?  Perhaps you have accidentally left some spanking implement out and someone saw it or could have seen it?  Glenmore has his list of rules, which is apparently somewhat openly displayed -- to anyone snooping in his closet.  Maybe you keep a spanking journal in a place someone could find it.  Maybe a fraternity or sorority paddle hanging on the wall and that sees more current use than a casual visitor might imagine? It could also be something other than a tangible object.  Perhaps a word or phrase she uses in public that you know means, "She's going to paddle me when we get home," but that people around might or might not pick up on.

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, October 28, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 227 - Err on the Side of . . .

Everything is hard before it is easy. -- Goethe

Hello all. I hope you had a great week.  Mine was, once again, way too busy.  I come into this Saturday morning really wishing things were a little less hectic.  But, I know that as soon as things slow down, I will go into a panic about that, too.  Do you ever feel like you are on a hamster-wheel, but that it is almost entirely self-created? That's kind of where I am right now.  But, there is little sign that things will slow down until next year, so my self-created panic at the prospect of working only 50 hours a week can be pushed out for at least a couple of months.

Irritability from over work may have been showing in my exchange with my most persistent troll. I've taken down the comments (his and mine), but the exchange at least had the  side effect of committing me to an idea for this week's post.  It's been a couple of years since I devoted a topic to this, but let's talk about "severity" and "more."  Specifically, for the men (and the few female DD recipients who visit here), setting aside whatever your current baseline is, how severe or strict do you want your discipline and the control exercised over you to be?

Let's start with this premise -- if you are receiving a real disciplinary spanking, you do not enjoy it.   So, let's assume that if you are in a real DD relationship in which you get real spankings, they hurt.  They are supposed to.  But, if you had your choice, would you want her to ease up a little? Or, is the opposite true -- do you wish she would spank you harder?

What about frequency? Does she spank you as often as you deserve?  As often as needed to correct the behavior?  If you could change the frequency in any way, do you think you should be spanked more frequently or less frequently?

What about the non-spanking aspects of a DD relationship, particularly the overall strictness of her demeanor?  Would you like your disciplinarian to act more strict, or less?  When it comes to controlling your behavior and setting boundaries for you, do you want her to be more tough and consistent in her approach, or is it too much already? And, if you do want her to be more strict with you and more rigorous in laying down the law, how open do you want that to be?  I'm not talking about revealing the spanking side of the DD relationship but, rather, to what degree do you want her to display signs that she wears the pants?

If you do fall into the "more" camp and you are willing to share, do you have any perspective on why you want more? Why do you want the spankings to be harder?  Why do you want her to be more strict with you?  What need would that fulfill for you?

I've posted a poll about this, and I hope all the readers who drop by this week and are actually in a DD relationship will check one response to each ordered pair.  I ran a similar poll over two years ago, and it set the bar for lop-sided results.  The "more" answers just crushed the "less" answers.  It was not even close.  It seemed to refute any view that those on the receiving end of the paddle in these relationships would want anything else, except that a huge number of them would like their disciplinarian to step it up!  I thought at the time that it should comfort budding Disciplinary Wives who have a nagging doubt about whether, if she does take on the role of a strict disciplinarian, will it prove to be more than he wanted?  I think the answer in most cases is no, he really does want  everything you are giving him and more.  Resoundingly so.

But it does suggest a couple of follow-up questions:  Have you told your wife you want more and, if so, what was her reaction?  And, if she did step it up, how did you react? Did it come closer to meeting your needs, or was it a "beware of what you wish for . .  ." situation?

By the way, I know the poll does not have a "Goldilocks" everything is just right set of answers.  If everything is just right, then just don't answer the poll.  And congratulations!

Have a great week.

Saturday, October 21, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 226 - Contracts & Agreements

I am a pretty versatile fool when it comes to contracts. I have signed a lot of contracts in my time, and at sometime I probably knew what the contracts meant, but six months later everything had grown dim and I could be certain of only two things: One, I didn't sign any contract. Two, the contract means the opposite of what it says. - Mark Twain's Notebook

Hi all.  Sorry for the delayed post. Busy morning.  I hope you all had a good week.  Mine started off pretty well, but then degenerated a bit last night, following an all-too-familiar pattern of one drink after work becoming one too many.  My guess is my bottom will be paying a price for that later this weekend.

One of our polls closed last week, this one on contracts and written rules governing the Domestic Discipline aspects of the relationship.  The results were as follows:

We have a written contract:                                                                     22%
We do not have a written contract or rules:                                          62%
We do not have a written contract but do have written rules:          16%

Contracts clearly aren't very popular with this crowd.  But, that is understandable, right?  50 Shades of Grey depicts a formal negotiation process between the parties, and in the context of that relationship, it makes perfect sense.  Because there really was no relationship when they negotiated.  It was two people who barely knew each other laying out the ground rules governing their contemplated kinky sexcapades.  That's not the context that most real domestic discipline relationships evolve in.  Most of them seem to begin vanilla, then someone introduces the idea of corporal punishment after the relationship already is well-established.  That is how it worked for us.  We had been married for close to ten years when I brought the idea of using spanking to discipline me to her.  So, everything was pretty conventional for us in terms of how these relationships seem to go -- I initiated it, and we never felt the need for a written contract, though for a period of time we did have written rules.  But, after awhile we didn't need those either.

Now, the fantasy seems to go otherwise.  With Glenmore's permission, here is a little contract-related artwork that raises some interesting issues:

Although most of these relationships seem to be initiated by the disciplined party, the drawing flips that scenario.  Given that we men generally are the more poorly behaved party, you do have to wonder why the women do not initiate things more often.  God knows many of us more than richly deserved it long before we found ourselves formally asking for it.


In an ideal world, this probably would be the ideal sequence.  He is presented with the idea, then she demonstrates what it entails, then he signs the contract newly aware of exactly what he is signing up for.

Now, one obvious issue with the last panel is the legal concept of "duress." Because she is kind of forcing the whole thing on him, it's possible no valid contract was formed.  Though, of course, it's not like there is any enforcement mechanism for this kind of contract anyway.  It works only if the two parties consent and work to make it work.  And, where that concept of consent is concerned, I have a hard time accepting that in a F/m domestic discipline relationship there could be much danger of real non-consent.  It's not like she can physically overpower him in most cases. Even if she threatened to end the relationship if he didn't comply, that still is consent.  Reluctant and grudging consent, perhaps, though consent nonetheless.  And, it does seem like most men fantasize about the relationship having some non-consensual element.

Given that domestic discipline usually is initiated as part of an existing relationship, is there any real reason to have a contract, particularly since it really would not be enforceable anyway?  I can think of a few reasons.

First, it does seem to be a good way to do some of the expectation setting we talked about a couple of weeks ago.  Assuming both parties participate in crafting it, it may help both of them clarify what they want out of this part of the relationship, what they expect to achieve, etc.  They can define the tools used, the severity she intends to use, etc.  Documenting that in writing could bring home to both of them that they are contemplating real spankings that are hard enough to get the job done, with all that entails.  It also could be used to define non-spanking punishments that she can enforce, like grounding, corner time, etc.

Second, it serves the purpose of defining at least some rules and perhaps to set some minimum consequences for breaking them.  Again, this might help bring home to both of them that this is a pretty serious thing they are contemplating. And, if he sees the rules in writing, he can hardly claim later that he didn't have fair warning and could not have avoided the necessity of "taking his medicine" by playing by the rules.

Third, it gives the parties an opportunity to define both of their respective roles and responsibilities.  I think this one is important, and especially the idea of defining the responsibilities both of them are expected to meet.  It's probably pretty common for the parties to define what is expected of him, but I think it might help the wife understand that leadership also carries responsibilities.  A lot of them. Like enforcing the rules diligently and consistently.  Not letting things slide, etc.

Fourth, it documents that the arrangement truly is consensual.  As K.D. has pointed out, this one may be a little legally problematic, since in some states you cannot consent to something the law deems an "assualt." Though, I am not convinced that such laws mean a contract documenting the consensual nature of things would not serve some purpose. It might make it less likely that charges would get filed or a lawsuit get brought.  When you look at the real cases that have been brought in this area, it does look like there is often an underlying issue regarding whether it was, in fact, consensual or whether something happened that exceeded the scope of consent.  I can't see a real downside (other than perhaps the risk of being involuntarily "outed" if the contract got into the wrong hands) to having something both parties can point to that verifies that this is something they both wanted.

So, I do think there are good reasons to consider having a contract or agreement summarizing the DD aspects of the relationship.  And, on the personal front, I recently came up with another reason. When I first posted the poll, I was the first vote for the "no contract" option.  But, that changed last week.  We had come to the end of a pretty long, involuntary pause in the domestic discipline aspects of our relationship.  For a couple of months, there was none at all.  That has happened in the past due to distraction and inattention, but this time we just could not do it for over two months.  When we got to a point where we could start it up again, it was she who initiated it, informing me over dinner that it was time to get back on track.  It got me thinking that there might be an opportunity here to do a really fundamental "reset," one that could come close to resetting the clock, this time with her as the real "owner" of that aspect of the relationship. We obviously could not undo the fact that I was the one who first came up with the idea, but after the substantial break it did kind of feel like we were starting over.  It occurred to me that a written contract might allow her to define the scope of things to come, mentally and emotionally commit to it, then present it to me as if it were firmly her own plan.  So, I spent some time last Saturday surfing the 'Net for examples of DD contracts.  There was not a lot out there, and the ones I did find were pretty simplistic.  But, it gave me a starting point.  I spent a few hours tweaking the draft, then gave it to her with a request that she take it from there and make it her own.  The plan was, once she finished making her changes she was to bring it to me and simply announce it as what she had decided would be happening from that point forward.

That is basically what happened.  After sitting on it for a couple of days, Thursday night she told me to get up to our room and wait for her.  She came in holding the contract, and asked why I was clothed.  I told her I had not understood exactly how she wanted to present things.  She told me she intended to instruct me on the major points of the agreement, but I was going to be standing there naked and vulnerable as she did so.  I complied (of course) stripping off my clothes in front of her.  She then highlighted the major points of the contract, emphasizing that they were what she has decided is going to happen from now on.  When it was over, she told me to bring out her paddles and straps.  She bent me over the bed and delivered a short but hard strapping and paddling that was really pretty excruciating given it had been over two months since my last one.

So, that is where things stand. We will see if the contract makes any real difference, but it was worth a try.

How about you? Do you have any kind of contract or agreement? Do you think it would be helpful?

I hope you have a great week.


Saturday, October 14, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 225 - Reporting and Enforcement

It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one. -- George Washington

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly on-line gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship. I hope you had a good week.

Mine felt slightly more manageable than last week, though the bar for that seems kind of crazy high these days.  I've always seen myself as pretty bulletproof where work is concerned, but I'm starting to question that as I move further into middle-age.  Admitting your limitations isn't easy.

Which is sort of the subject of this week's post.  Since we started Domestic Discipline, we have always formally had in place some kind of self-reporting scheme.  As I've discussed, at the very beginning, I kept a notebook in which I tracked each agreed-upon offense, and tallied up the minimum number of swats we agreed to.  Over the years, we have tried other systems, like sending her a weekly email or spreadsheet or something documenting behavioral issues.  We also have talked about setting aside time once a week to go over my behavior.  Honestly, it never seems to stick.  Partially, because this annoying thing called "real life" always seems to interfere.  For the last several weeks, one of those "real life" issues was a medical issue that was not conducive to spanking.  Now that we are starting to emerge from that--having been reminded once again in concrete terms that the only thing worse than getting older is its alternative--I am starting to think about how we reboot.  Including getting a real reporting and accountability check-in system going.

There is one obvious impediment to more rigorous self-reporting.  While confession may be good for the soul, it is not so good for the bottom of a truly disciplined husband.  So, what is the enforcement mechanism?  How should she address things when she finds out that he has been less than forthcoming about his bad acts?  What about Ronald Reagan's advice to "trust, but verify?" Does she have a way of independently verifying your behavior when it is something she was not there to see or hear?  Since at least some of my own behavior problems occur at work, in an ideal world, there would be someone there who would rat me out.

How does all this work for you?  Have you implemented a formal reporting mechanism?  What happens if you fail to report fully and honestly? Does she have any way of checking up on you?

Have a good week!

Saturday, October 7, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 224 - Expectation Setting

"When is the last time you did something for the first time?" - Unknown

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope  you had a good week.
Mine was, again, more than a little exhausting.  Work is just insanely busy, and I feel like between that and some personal issues I had been forced to deal with unexpectedly, it has been one of the more challenging periods I've had in a long time.  But, I'm finally seeing a little bit of light at the end of that tunnel.

I try to find quotes to post at the top of these entries that somehow tie into the weekly topic.  Sometimes I fail and just use something inspiring about female poewr, and sometimes I come across a quote that I like and decide to use it regardless of topic fit.  This week, it kind of accidentally fits the topic.  It is from a post to another group by a new electronic friend of mine.  Every once in awhile one of those memes get under my skin, and this one kind of did.  I travel a lot for work and have a job that isn't exactly like working on a factory floor making widgets all day, so if I set the bar low enough, it is true that I do lots of little things for the "first time."  But many of those experiences are work oriented or are small variations on things I've done before.  Her meme really did stump me when it came to identifying anything really significant or meaningful that I have done recently for the first time.  They say the only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth, and I need to make more of a conscious effort to have more "first time" experiences.

The quote did end up relating a little to this week's topic.  DD was something that I tried for the "first time" many years ago, and it became a major part of our relationship.  For all of us, there was "first time" for this thing all of us here do or are interested in.  This week's topic isn't about that "first time" itself, but more about how the expectations were set for what it would be like or what the couple wanted out of it. There is a poll posted on the right-hand side of the blog regarding contracts.  We have talked about them before and whether people have some kind of formalized DD agreement.  I'll probably do a specific topic on that in the coming weeks, but this week I'll cast a little broader net and characterize the issue as "expectation setting."   Domestic Discipline is, at least in my mind, really at its core about rules and consequences.  Or at least about consequences for bad behavior.  That is really what separates it from BDSM and Dominance/submission.  The focus is on correcting behavior and/or a price being paid for bad behaviors in order to deter them from happening again, make the offending party pay some actual penance, or give the other party a way to express their dissatisfaction in very concrete terms. 

I'm guessing that the content of the rules we end up subjected to, and that will get some of us spanked, have a high degree of similarity.  Disrespect.  Engaging in dangerous or self-destructive behavior.  Slacking on household chores, etc.  While the content of our rules probably overlap a lot, however, I suspect there is a fair amount of diversity in how they were arrived at.  How did it work for you?  Was there some kind of formal discussion between the two of you about what the rules would be?  About what the punishment(s) would be for violating each rule?  Was there a formal sit-down meeting to discuss and agree to those rules?  And, not just about the rules, but what the expectations would be going forward for the disciplined party and for the Disciplinarian? Or, were the expectations simply imposed, or perhaps worked out informally over time?  Did some kind of contract or formal agreement result?  Please tell us about how your particular expectation-setting process worked.

For fun, I also invite each of you to respond to the question posed at the top of this post.  

I hope you all have a great week.

Saturday, September 30, 2017

The Forum -- Vol. 223 -- Caring About What She Cares About (and other stuff)

“You will not be punished for your anger; you will be punished by your anger.” - Gautama Buddha

Hi all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or would like to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you all had a good week. Mine was wearing.  While my interest in DD seems to be making a bit of a comeback, my time for it or practical ability to engage in it hasn't.  It was truly just an exhausting week, culminating in me directing a mini-tirade at someone at work.  It is debatable whether the person did or did not have it coming, and I wasn't totally over the line vicious, but I definitely let my temper get the better of me.  I think everyone understood that I was just exhausted and frustrated, but still . . . .    I know Peter had a somewhat similar problem recently involving an enforced apology to someone he had been rude to, and I welcome him to share more about that if he desires.  In this case, my wife won't have to require the apology, let alone paddle or strap one out of me.  The person is a friend, I feel bad about it, and our relationship is larger than this one incident.  Hence, the above quote.  So, I will apologize and probably buy him a bottle of good booze.

I'm also sorry I didn't get to all the comments this week.  As discussed, the week got really crazy at the end, I just couldn't keep up with everything, and I have made a more or less conscious decision that when I have 20 things to get to on my to-do list but time for only 19, anything related to blogging is going to be a very strong candidate to fall off the list.  But, I did feel like there was some good commenting going on, some of it subtly intertwined.  There was some discussion both on the blog and in some side conversations about whether the whole topic from last week was an exercise in "topping from the bottom."  As I've said, it's a concept I just don't like, which I think has been artificially imported from BDSM world and that is dangerous and downright destructive in many DD relationships where the emphasis should be on frequent and open communication.  Now, I'm not saying it has no application to DD, and I can think of at least one example that has come up here with someone showing a repeated pattern of insisting on DD, telling his wife how it should be done, then undermining her repeatedly when she actually did it.  That IS a problem.  On balance, however, the concept just seems to have more potential for harm than good in most relationships.  But, as I said to a good friend on the blog who feels differently, we can sometimes agree to disagree.

One comment did bring up an interestingly related issue, however.  ZM observed: "I had to be especially careful at first because all this was very new to her, while I had been thinking about it and reading about it for much of my life. Consequently, it was a fine line between giving her pointers so she would learn how to safely and effectively discipline me, but at the same time not making her feel disempowered or micromanaged."  It does seem to be the case that men are just more mentally into DD than their partners, and I do think that once we decide we want this, it seems to become more pervasive for us than for them.  Though, based on some time I've spent hanging out on JGirl's A Shrew Tamed blog, I'm starting to wonder whether it is really a male/female thing, rather than a "bottom" and "top" kind of thing, where for whatever reason the person who wants discipline has a compelling need for it, while the "top" or disciplinarian may see a value in it but doesn't have a "need" for it, at least not in the same way or to the same degree.  If you don't believe that is the dynamic, take a look at these stark results from a recent poll, where I asked (in a follow-up to a poll from a couple of years ago), who initiated the DD relationship, the disciplinary giver or the receiver:

The disciplined spouse (the spankee) initiated the DD aspect of our relationship:        86%
The disciplinary spouse (the spanker) initiated the DD aspect of the relationship
:       13%

Pretty stark difference, right?  Although these polls always have a very limited set of respondents, those results are pretty hard to quibble with, and I think they reflect most of the experiences related here and in other DD-related discussion groups.  It is almost always--not 100% of the time but almost--the disciplined party who initiates, which is even more fascinating when you think about two other aspects of these relationships.  First, and somewhat obviously, getting spanked by someone who is motivated to do it, knows what she is doing, and is using the right tool -- HURTS!  Yet, it is the disciplined party who wants it.  Second, if you read DD-oriented spanking stories, the most common fantasy scenario seems to be the wife getting fed up with bad behavior and imposing the DD relationship on a reluctant husband.  I'm not sure whether I've come across another area in which the gap between the fantasy and the reality is quite so stark.  And, all this plays into the whole "topping from the bottom" thing, because it's clear the "bottoms" are mentally into the whole thing, want it to work well, and think about it so much that they probably do put way more time and energy than their "tops" in figuring out things that might make it work better.

As for this week's topic, it also comes from one of the commenters.  The Glenmore (not sure how he likes to be addressed) observed: "I find women like to be empowered, or empower themselves, in areas where they feel strongly about and wish to be in charge of."  Pretty commonsensical, right?  The Disciplinarian in these relationships is more likely to punish for things that she sees as a problem, whether he does or not.  Conversely, she is less likely to punish him for things she doesn't care about, even if he sees the behavior as a problem and wants help correcting it.

In your relationship, does it actually work that way?  I find all sorts of things in life would seem to work in one way but actually don't.  For us, it's kind of yes, kind of no.  For a long time, she tended to spank for, and only for, those things that we had mutually agreed would be spankable.  But, even then she definitely was more prone to spank for some of those things than for others.  More recently, I think she is starting to get more comfortable spanking for things that do really piss her off, like displays of disrespect or temper, but mainly to the extent they are directed at her.  While I see things like this week's temper tantrum at work as a problem, she agrees but is much less prone to do anything about it than had I directed a similar tantrum directly at her.

Conversely, the #1 thing I get spanked for is over-indulging on alcohol, usually in the work setting.  I do agree that it is a problem, and I'm probably the one who really initiated being spanked for it, but I also know that my heart often is not in it.  I "think" it is a punishable offense, but I don't "feel" it. Part of me just enjoys the social aspect too much to really ever give it up, and I also just see it as part of the culture I work in, and to some extent that should be OK.  But, she does see it as a problem, and she feels it does impact her, so as long as we are in a DD relationship, I have no doubt I will get spanked for it.  We also have set up rules for things like work-related behaviors and personal goals, but those seldom do get punished, again I think because they don't have a very immediate impact on her.

How does it work for you?  Are there areas that you think you should be punished for, or punished for more severely, and she just isn't into it?  Or, are there things she sees as big problems and deals with severely, but you really don't agree that they are problems or need fixing?

Have a great week.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

The Forum -- Vol. 222 -- Empowering Her

There's something so special about a woman who dominates in a man's world. It takes a certain grace, strength, intelligence, fearlessness, and the nerve to never take no for an answer."Rihanna

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, a Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationship.  I hope you all had a good week.

I feel some slight stirrings of my DD interest, though it's not back even close to where it was.  But, that's OK for now. Honestly, it was starting to consume too much time anyway, during a period when I don't have a lot of time to spare.  Also, I haven't been in a very submissive headspace.  To the contrary, I have been in a very dominant headspace and, unfortunately, it's kind of a necessity for me right now given some happenings at work.  I'm sure it will all sort itself out over time.

A few weeks ago, we talked about humbling him.  This week, let's talk about the converse -- how to empower her.  Some women are born empowered.  Others have to learn it.  While people may be born with, or quickly socialized into, different levels of confidence and different senses of themselves and their inner strength, I do believe that leadership is a skill that can be learned and power can grow over time.  But, it takes work and practice.

As I've said before, my wife is not a naturally dominant person.  Between the two of us, my personality is by far the more brash and aggressive.  But, largely because of our domestic discipline relationship, her confidence in herself and comfort level with her own power have grown and developed over time.  But, it's also something we've worked on.  To some extent, submitting to her disciplinary spankings is a virtuous circle.  As she spanks more often and sees me always submit to them, even when I may not want one or may disagree regarding whether one has really been earned, her confidence in her own authority builds.  In exercising more power, she grows more powerful.

As I said, it has been a work in progress for several years.  Very early on, we implemented one process that helped her quickly get comfortable with giving real disciplinary spankings.  We had agreed that certain offenses would earn a spanking, and we agreed that each such offense would earn a certain number of swats with the paddle.  Regardless of how many it was, we both knew she was to give at least that many.  For the first several weeks, the number of swats was around 6 at the low-end to 20 at the high.  Then, I had one especially bad week.  I swallowed hard as I tallied up that week's offenses and realized it came to 60!  I told her that I wasn't sure I could take that many, and without missing a beat, she replied, "Then, I guess you shouldn't have acted that badly.  You will take every single swat you have coming."  And, she delivered.  By building some non-discretionary rules into the process, she was freed to grow into her own sense of power and authority such that the rules became superfluous to her.

On a less spanking-oriented front, I've tried to find ways of mitigating her tendency to seek affirmation instead of just saying and doing what she wants.  Sometimes, it's little things.  In restaurants, she always wants to know what I am going to order before she decides what she wants.  I often just won't tell her.  She shouldn't need to know what I am going to do before she decides on something consistent with her own preferences.  On a larger scale, a couple of years ago she needed a new car.  She knew what she wanted, but she expected me to go with her to bargain for and buy it.  She was not very happy when I refused, but I did.  I made her to to the dealer, choose the car she wanted, bargain for it, buy it and drive it home.  She ended up driving a much harder bargain than I ever would have done, and I think that incident really did help her learn that she didn't need a man for most things.

How about you? What ways have you found to empower your disciplinary partner and help them feel empowered and strong?

I hope you have a great week.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 221 - Waxing and Waning

Life changes in the instant.  The ordinary instant. - Joan Didion

Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline and/or Female Led Relationships.

Thanks for your patience during my two-week pause.  Two almost became three, as I really wasn't very interested in posting this week either, but I decided I didn't want to seem like a tease. It's been a weird couple of weeks where DD is concerned.  This will be hard to explain, as I don't want to give a lot of personal details.  It would be too easy for anyone who knows me and happens to read this blog to put two and two together . . .  But, in a nutshell, I've known for a while that there was going to be an event taking place that was going to be, at least on a temporary basis (temporary being several weeks or a few months), an interruption in my routine.  Kind of a forced slowing down in some areas, requiring at least some temporary life-style changes.  I knew in general when it was going to happen and was making some plans around that.  Then, a scheduling change occurred, and the the event happened a few weeks ahead of schedule.

As I said, I knew this was going to force some lifestyle changes, if only on a temporary basis, and I was actually kind of looking forward to aspects of it, thinking of some "before" and "after" effects I would like to bring about.  In truth, this year has seemed like a rut from the start, and in some ways it's a rut I've been in for more than a year.  Kind of like the movie Groundhog Day.  I want to change for the better.  I want the situation around me to change.  Yet, I wake up in the same place every morning, and I just don't seem to have the ability to change things much.  So, I was expecting at least some change and, while I knew the event itself wasn't going to be pleasant, I was actually kind of looking forward to some forced redirection in my life.  

What I didn't expect was to come out on the other side of it, and it wasn't like I needed to think about changing my attitude to support my new circumstances.  Instead, in a few areas, I just didn't care.  Weirdly, DD and FLR being at the top of the list.  For example, one of those ruts I've been in has been spending too much time on DD and FLR-related blogs and Tumblrs.  All of a sudden, I just didn't care.  It was like when I see golf on TV.  I never, ever watch it because I just have zero interest in it.  That's what it felt like looking at things like Tumblrs with FLR and spanking-related captions.  Just didn't do anything for me.  And, that is very much where I was last week when it came to writing this blog.  I had a sequence of posts planned in my head, so it wasn't writer's block or lacking for a topic.  I just wasn't interested enough in the topic to sit down and write about it for an hour.  It was like an alcoholic waking up and one day and having no interest in having a drink. 

This was not, by the way, like what our KD Pierre was going through last year, when he said he was going through a major life stressor that left him resistant to being punished.  If anything, this is kind of the opposite.  I have been feeling less stress for the last couple of weeks than is normally the case.  Which could be part of the explanation.  I've always known that part of the attraction to DD was giving up some control in the midst of an otherwise controlling existence.  But, the interest level dropped so suddenly, like someone flipping a light switch.  And, even as work stress has resumed, the interest in DD and FLR really hasn't.  Now, one area in which it was a little like what KD described is I suddenly was in no mood to be bossed around.  Part of the event in question involved being told a lot of things I had to do or couldn't do, and I was in no mood for more of that on the home front.  Which makes any kind of FLR dynamic difficult, to say the least.

It is a little disconcerting, going through something that shows how little control we sometimes have over our own interests and attitudes.  I don't know why I am really surprised though, since I am one of the few in this group who had no interest at all in spanking, and then suddenly did after encountering one specific stimulus.  That is how this feels, but in reverse.  I do suspect that it's temporary, as there were some other things I lost interest in, and I can feel the taste for them coming back a little.  And, in any event, DD has had a positive impact on my relationship with my wife and on her personal growth, and I wouldn't want to lose that.  On the FLR front, however, I wonder if this will prove to be more of a permanent change.  I was already getting some signals from the universe that this whole learning to be more submissive thing just is not who I am.  I could see going back to something a lot more like Fred describes as his relationship, where DD is something that is used to deal with specific offenses, then life goes on as normal.  We'll see.

Has DD or FLR been like that for any of you?  Have there been periods where you just lost interest? Was there anything specific that caused the lack of interest or that caused it to come back?


Saturday, September 9, 2017

No Post Again

Sorry all, but no post again this week.  I'm still out dealing with a personal matter and haven't had time to write up a topic. 

Have a good weekend.

Friday, September 1, 2017

No Post This Weekend

Hi all.  Happy Friday!  Unfortunately, I have a personal matter I need to attend to this weekend and won't be able to post.  I also likely won't be able to keep up with comments but feel free to leave them.  Peter, I very much want to hear about the humbling with the neighbor!

I hope all of you have a great weekend, including hopefully a nice three-day one for those of you in the U.S.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 220 - Humbling

 "Every one is worthy of love, except him who thinks that he is. Love is a sacrament that should be taken kneeling." -- Oscar Wilde

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum, our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

I hope you had a great week.  Mine ends with me anticipating a couple of very hard spankings for some disappointingly ongoing problems.  If I can sit come Monday, it will be miraculous.  As I contemplated my fate yesterday, it was a humbling experience. Knowing that when I came home, I was totally at her mercy.  She might order me up to the bedroom immediately, tell me to strip, then paddle my ass raw.  Or, she might keep me on pins and needles through dinner and beyond.  She did the latter, then went to bed without spanking me at all.  She told me that she knew I had a hard day yesterday, so she decided to let me off the hook for a day or two.  But, it is coming.

For me, there is something powerfully humbling about waiting for a spanking I know is coming. I instantly start behaving better, being more considerate, more polite.  In short, I become the kind of husband she wants me to be all the time.  Being that kinder, more considerate person all the time should be easy, but it's not.  Like many men who are attracted to DD, there is a lot of testosterone coursing through these veins.  It can help me take the kind of risks that build a successful career, but it can also lead to a lot of impetuous and impulsive decisions that come back to haunt me. It can help me stand up to assholes, but it also leads me to ignore or confront legitimate authority.  And, it can sometimes make me act like an arrogant jerk.

My wife is very open about the fact that one of the things she likes best about disciplining me is that it forces a humility on me that is both natural and extremely difficult for me.  When she orders me to take off all my clothes and bend over for a hard paddling or strapping, and when I actually do it, she knows how hard that is for my ego to take.  And, she enjoys that.  She knows that humbling me is a necessary and part of the process and, in fact, is one of its primary goals.

While she doesn't go out of her way to humble me in other ways, it is starting to happen more.  Several weeks ago, I wrote about an incident in which I went off on someone in a voicemail in a context in which it was not at all appropriate.  I told my wife about it, and being thoroughly fed up with my temper and arrogance creating problems at work, she took a "the punishment should fit the crime" approach.  She ordered me to apologize to the guy, stipulating that it had to be in person or by telephone.  No email.  She wanted me to have to humble myself with a verbal apology made live to the person I have abused.  A more recent incident involved her using a DD allusion to put me in my place in front of someone.  I had been teasing her about something, and some of it probably crossed the line into disrespect.  With only a little hesitation, she said " Be careful. Bad boys get spanked."  That got me instantly back in line.

Does your partner do things that are deliberately designed to humble you?  Do yo want her to? What form does/should that take?  I can think of a few things Disciplinary Wives could impose:
  •  Give him orders, like chores or a personal task, in front of other people. At a holiday party last year, my wife and I were chatting with another couple and she turned and handed me her empty drink glass and told me to go to the bar and get her another.  It was not a request.  It was very conspicuously an order.
  • Make him show respect in public in some conspicuous way that emphasizes her role over him.
  • Make him kneel or take some subservient posture, perhaps as a means of cutting off an argument
  • On the more risque side:
    • Panties?
    • Chastity device
What are your thoughts on this?  What has your partner done for the express purpose of humbling you?

I hope you have a good week.

Saturday, August 19, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 219 - Poll & the Need for Female Disciplinarians

It is wrong and immoral to seek to escape the consequences of one's acts. - Mahatma Ghandi

Hi all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women who are in, or interested in being in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.

What a week.   Work was busy, though I didn't a whole lot accomplished.  Largely because I kept popping over to Politico and NPR and the Economist to see the latest D.C. drama.  It's sort of like the people who go to NASCAR not for the race but to see a crash.  It's sort of like DD -- it is painful and humiliating yet I can't stop myself from coming back for more.

A few weeks ago, I posted a poll related to our topic of why people choose Domestic Discipline.  Looking at the trends yesterday, I was sure we would hit 100 responses, but it failed by four votes.  Close enough, I guess.  I'm not sure what to read into the fact that this blog averages over a thousand pageviews a day, yet less than 10% take the time to hit a button.  Apathy?  The poll topic wasn't interesting?  Less than one in ten who visit here are actually in a DD relationship? One hand on the remote control and one wanking, leaving no hand available to push the little button?  Who knows. Anyway, here are the results:

Accountability or penance                                                      46 (47%)
Boundaries and rules make me feel better or safer                37 (38%)
Handing control over to someone for awhile                         53 (55%)
Stress relief                                                                             34 (35%)
I like my wife strong and powerful                                        49 (51%)
It's primarily about a spanking interest or fetish                    35 (36%)
I like pain                                                                          9 (9%)
Other                                                                                 4 (4%)

I need to say at the outset, this may be one of the worst constructed polls I've ever done, because it's missing at least one big option, namely performance improvement.  I guess that is kind of wrapped up in "accountability," but only obliquely.  I also wonder what would have happened had I forced people to choose their primary motivation.

It is at least somewhat comforting to me that at least some fairly significant portion of respondents seem to be in this for the same reasons I am -- some mixture of accountability, the desire to hand over control to someone else for awhile, and being attracted to a strong and powerful woman. There is some good stuff to unpack in here.

Strong women are wanted.  So many women in these relationships hold themselves back over concerns that "strong" equates to "bitchy."  Clearly not so for most of the people who took the time to take this poll.  Wanting a strong and powerful wife was the second most common motivation for wanting a DD relationship, right behind wanting to surrender control to someone else sometimes.
And, it's not like accomplished women are in short supply these days.  While discrimination still obviously exists, I don't think it is a stretch to say that it is increasingly becoming a female dominated world.  In 2009, the number of women in the workforce exceeded men for the first time.  In 2014, women accounted for 55% of undergraduates in four-year colleges. Once there, they tend to earn higher grades and drop out less. Women get more Masters and Doctorate degrees than their male counterparts.  In 2016, for the first time women outnumbered men in law school.  

Accountability is wanted -- and needed.  Every time we've had a poll or topic on what men want out of DD, accountability or needing to face the consequences of bad behavior are at or near the top of the charts.  There is certainly an argument to be made that men need that accountability more than ever and that women should rule because they just aren't as susceptible to "Darwin Award" kinds of dumb-ass behavior.  I read a telling statistic recently.  Between the ages of 15 and 24, men are three times more likely to die than women, because they are far more likely to engage in reckless behavior or violence. Motor vehicle accidents are the most common cause of death for males in this age group, followed by homicide, suicide, cancer and drowning.

Men want to hand over control.  In this poll, wanting to hand over control to someone else was the high scoring motivator for getting into a DD relationship.  It is definitely part of the attraction for me.  I describe my own need to hand over control in terms of needing more boundaries and rules.  So, again, I may have constructed the poll very poorly in that it separated need to hand over control and need for boundaries into two different categories, when maybe they are two facets of the same general drive.

The open question for me in all this is whether women want the authority and control that many men obviously are more than willing to give them.  A few years ago, I was talking to a close female friend about the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon. I told her that I had a hard time reconciling that women are, on the hand, striving hard to get at least equal treatment in the workplace, and they've had thousands of years of being seen as the weaker sex and relegated to second-class roles.  So, why were so many of them attracted to a book about female submission and giving up control to a man.  She gave me a kind of world-weary sigh and said, "Look.  Most women already are in control at home.  The reality is, we basically run the house, raise the kids and make most of the day-to-day decisions.  So, on the home front, if there is a power gap, the women are already in charge."

Wise words.  In your own household, when you started Domestic Discipline, was it really just an extension of a dynamic that was already there?  In other words, was your wife already mostly in charge, and DD was just an incremental extension?  Or, was it a reversal of your normal dynamic or an exception to it.  I also wonder whether women who are already in control of the household would be happier if they did see disciplining their husbands as just part of that role.  Heaven knows we seem to need it.  This aspect of DD at home is one reason I love hearing from Holly, as it sounds like her mother saw disciplining her father as no different from disciplining and raising the kids.

Also, note the new poll, which asks those who are in DD relationships to identify which spouse initiated the DD aspects of the relationship, the spanker or the spankee.  I decided to make this one a binary choice, so please pick the one answer that most closely fits your situation.

Saturday, August 12, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 218 - The Conversation

Ask for what you want and be prepared to get it. -- Maya Angelou
Hello all.  Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of people who are in our would like to be in Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week. 

Mine was busy and a little stressful, though it was also one in which I found some preconceptions challenged, and in a good way.  Several weeks ago, I alluded to a problem I had created for myself at work.  It involved misinterpreting (maybe) something that someone had said to me, resulting in me going off on them in a way that wasn't appropriate regardless of whether I did, in fact, misinterpret their intentions.  I got a hard and well-deserved spanking as a result of itWell, this week I found myself spending a large chunk of time with the person in question.  Turns out we have a hell of a lot in common, and not just in terms of volatile and aggressive personalities.  We not only grew up in very similar environments.  Eerily similar.  Interacting with him was also interesting, because it gave me an opportunity to watch someone whose behavior is so similar to my own, and what I observed was that his aggressiveness and controlling approach to things was effective.  I've spent a lot of energy at work the last year or so trying to tone down my own level of aggressiveness, because it has capped my upward movement to some extent. But, the bottom line is, for my profession it kind of works.  I was thinking about all this in relation to comments Fred has made here from time to time about not wanting to use DD to become more submissive in any other aspect of his life. Weirdly, I was thinking about those comments right before he suddenly popped up again with a comment after several weeks off.  I also had been thinking some things along these lines due to the  death of Sam Shepard, one of my favorite actors and playwrights, whose characters and writing often explore themes of what it means to be a man.  So, the week had that sense of the Universe sending me some signals that in experimenting with FLR and trying to be more submissive at home, I really don't want to be any less aggressive, controlling or, for lack of a better word, manly in the rest of my life.  The challenge, of course, is not to over-rotate on this and fall into a pattern of truly unhealthy and unhelpful behavior.

Anyway, we didn't get much of a conversation going last week.  I suspect people are distracted with summer quickly coming to an end.  Re-plowing old ground may also bore some of the regulars, but I still want to go in the direction I set out last week, focusing more on content that helps people who think they want one of these relationships explore how to do it. 

"I want you to spank me.  For real. If I do something bad or something you don't like, I want you to take down my pants and give me a real spanking.  I want you to use spankings to make me truly want to do better and to make me really regret it when I don't."

That's what this week's topic is about.  How do you have that conversation?  Last week we talked a little about why some of us were driven to Domestic Discipline and what we hoped to get out of it.  I assume that for most of us, the desire preceded the reality. In other words, we realized we wanted to try this kind of relationship, and then took some action to get there.  For my wife and me, that took the form of a conversation I initiated.  As I explained last week, I had found the Disciplinary Wives Club website, became more than little obsessed with it, and ended up telling my wife about it.  While I may have started the conversation with a lighthearted, cavalier tone ("Hey honey, I found this interesting website today . . ."), I did in that same conversation fess up that this was something I wanted to try, though I was also honest that it kind of scared the hell out of me.  She was intrigued enough to take a look at the website the next day.  Had I not been honest about my desire to try this, and had I not put myself out there and shown some real vulnerability during that first conversation, I'm not sure she would have gone any further.  It was me admitting that I wanted to at least try this and being very open about why that gave her the emotional incentive to follow up and to take it seriously.

For us, the biggest hurdle was probably her concern that if I "wanted" to be spanked for doing something bad, wouldn't the spanking just reinforce the bad behavior?  To get over that, I was clear from the begging that I wasn't suggesting erotic spankings or spanking as foreplay. Not in any way, shape or form.  I was suggesting real spankings, like some of us got as kids from parents or at school.  These would be spankings that would leave me chastened, reddened, very sore and possibly in tears.  The goal was to make the paddling bad enough that I would really, really want to avoid another at all costs.  I also told her that I recognized that my behavior was often hurtful or inconsiderate but, because of the way we were both raised, she did not feel she could do very much about it other than pout and engage in other passive-aggressive behaviors.  The conversation was very much about us consciously deciding to empower her and dis-empower me, in order to bring a sense of balance to the relationship.  I emphasized that she would be able to set the rules and enforce them at will and that, while it would be a struggle for me, I was agreeing as a condition of the new relationship that I had to give in to her discipline, whenever and wherever she chose.

It was also important that she see that this wasn't about dungeons and leather and all those S&M or BDSM trappings that may turn on some women but likely scare off many more from.  So, that too was part of the conversation. I wasn't asking her to change who she was or adopt some new persona.  She got to stay exactly who she was but with new authority and power.
That initial conversation was critical to getting us started down this path.  Without it, my recently discovered obsession with this thing called Domestic Discipline would have remained just an unfulfilled fantasy. 

Did your Domestic Discipline relationship start with a similar conversation?  Did you have to convince a reluctant spouse?  How did you get them to be comfortable with the idea at least enough to try it?  And, while we don't get a lot of postings from dominant spouses who initiated the disciplinary relationship, it does occur.  Holly being one example, but there are others.  I would love to hear from more women who decided they wanted this kind of relationship and acted on it.  What was that conversation like?  

Also, I've added a new poll, this one on written DD contracts and formal written rules.  

I hope you all have a good week.

Friday, August 11, 2017

Taking Down Guestbook (temporarily?)

Not that it really matters to our regulars who introduced themselves long ago, but I am taking down the Guestbook.  The level of troll activity has gotten out of control.  There are commercial entities that keep trying to post to it, plus OCD boy "Sean" constantly trying to post about his mother-in-law, or getting spanked getting out of the shower or getting "leg locked."  Four tries on the last two days.  (It's just gotten very old, so Sean's stuff is just going to get deleted every single time he tries to post, whether on-topic or not.)  The reality is, virtually no one seems to be using it right now for the purpose for which it was intended, i.e. as a way for people to introduce themselves and/or leave short statements about their DD relationships.  So, since I am tired of having to police it all the time and delete spam, I am just going to take it down.

Friday, August 4, 2017

The Forum - Vol. 217 - Why DD?

"Be careful what you wish for.  There's always a catch." -- Laure Hale Anderson

Hello all. Welcome back to The Forum.  Our weekly gathering of men and women in, or wanting to be in, Domestic Discipline or Female Led Relationships.  I hope you had a good week.  Mine was not very eventful.  Other than a behavioral issue on Monday that she would have given me a very hard spanking for, were it not for some distractions that got in the way.  But, it still may be coming.

To those who joined in the discussion last week, thanks for contributing.  As I said, some repetition is inevitable, but I myself can never really get enough of "origin" stories when it comes to Domestic Discipline.  There are just so many variations on how people get into these relationship, it is endlessly fascinating to me.  But, then, I am kind of voyeuristic by nature.  One reason I like the participatory nature of doing this blog is I get to hear so many interesting stories.  It also tests my assumptions.  When I first started the blog, I definitely had some pre-conceived notions about how and why people get into those relationships.  I think in general some of those notions were grounded in reality, but only with respect to some segment of the DD community.  It's been an awakening experience to hear from so many people about what led them into this fairly unique lifestyle.  And, contrary to the views of some of our regular commenters, I do still believe these relationships are fairly uncommon.  Oh, I know, lots of couples are into spanking, but that is not the same thing as being into Domestic Discipline.  I have no way of knowing for sure, but I really don't think there are all that many people who are really into spanking as a true disciplinary tool.  Hell, even in the community of people who visit and comment on this blog, only some portion (and there are weeks it seems to be a small portion) are focused primarily on the disciplinary aspects of a spanking relationship as opposed to the "funishment" or erotic interest. 

Anyway, last week's topic was about how people first got into Domestic Discipline.  This week, let's talk about the "why."  What was it that made you ask for this?  And, most of you did ask for it.  While in fictional DD stories it is usually the wife who initiates it, in the "real world," the opposite seems to be true.  Far more often, it is the man who asks to be spanked for his transgressions that the wife who decides to impose that on him.

When you think about it, that really does seem pretty odd, right?  Most of us don't like pain.  Most of us also usually like getting our own way.  So, why is it that at some point in our lives, many of us end up asking our wives to spank us, and to do so very long and hard such that it is a real punishment?  And, why do some of us want those spanking to be part of turning over control of parts of our life to someone else?  Even those whose relationships are focused on Domestic Discipline without many of the "Female Led" elements are still handing over some fairly significant amount of power and giving up some degree of autonomy, since you are empowering her to punish you in an attempt to change your behavior.  At least where those behaviors are concerned, you have ceded control and done so knowing the consequences may be really, truly painful.

So, why do we want this and what motivations or desires does it meet?  What itch does it scratch?  Take a look at the poll near the top of the blog.  It is a variation on others I have posted.   It tries to get at this issue of what motivates us to not only take, but often initiate, a lifestyle in which we often have to submit ourselves to painful and humbling punishments?

For myself, despite being in one of these relationships for several years, and being a fairly self-aware person (at least I like to think so), I don't have a solid answer.  As I recounted last week, I was not a "spanko" in my younger years.  I had never once thought about adult spankings until well into my '30s.  Even when we started playing with erotic spanking, it wasn't wasn't all that interesting to me, let alone the kind of compelling fetish it clearly is to some.  Yet, when I stumbled on a website devoted to Domestic Discipline, it just hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. I literally couldn't sleep the night after I found it, and not much for a few days after that.  Something about it just grabbed me.  Looking back and trying to recall what the primary driver was, I know part of it was related to accountability and boundaries.  The stories of wives meting out punishment for real offenses were compelling, and it had something to do with being held truly accountable.  Which as I've said before is really an odd thing for me to be attracted to, because I am generally so anti-authoritarian.  But, part of me clearly wants it, even if I rebel against it.  But, I'm not sure that really gets at the heart of it either.  The stories that really got to me at my core all involved being brought to tears by a spanking.  But, when I say "got to me," I don't mean erotically.  At least not in any simplistic way. Frankly, those stories scared the shit out of me, but I also found them morbidly fascinating.  To say the prospect of being brought to tears by a spanking from my wife gave me "butterflies" is such an understatement.  It almost made me want to throw up -- the feeling was that powerful.  Yet, I undeniably wanted it. 

So, for me, there seem to be a lot of motivations at play.  I want to be held accountable. I crave imposed boundaries, even if in every aspect of my life I push against them.  I want the catharsis, and maybe even the embarrassment, of being brought to tears by my wife.  Part of me craves being lectured and treated with a very maternal strictness.  All of that is in there somewhere, and I have no idea why none of it came out until pretty late in life.  And, my decade-long interest in this lifestyles is not all emotionally motivated.  Part of it is just recognizing that I don't always have the willpower to behave in ways that help me be successful or that help me avoid the natural consequences of bad behavior.  So, the prospect of getting spanked can help with that. 

So, what motivated you to seek this out?  Or, if you are one of the few disciplined husbands on whom the lifestyle was imposed, or if you are a disciplinary wife who imposed it, what was the primary driver for that happening?  For you personally, what needs did you think the DD or FLR lifestyle would serve?

I hope you all have a great week.